CHICKAAAAAN part 1

Prepare for longest blog entry in the world.

Are you ready?

Cause I sure as fuck am.

Alright so, I don't really remember where I left off or what I've done since so I'll start with the bit I mostly remember from= Saturday.

The morning was spent taking absolutely vain as fuck pictures of myself because MY NEW SHORTS HAVE ARRIVED and FUCK they are AMAAAAZIIIIIING. Really like the shorts just in case you didn't get that. Yeah. This was due to a request from hot crush Dean which is awesome cause it means he thinks I'm bangin. As in hot. Either way, came out awesome (not booby enough apparently- cheeky fuck). Then I waited patiently untill 5pm which is when my invite was to the never ending barbecue. I got there a little after that since a mass detour towards the shops to stock up on alcohol and cigarettes. Either way, the table was perfectly laid, my hostess a little bit drunk already and the chicken was marinated. Pretty much everything you'd want from an awesome barbecue tiem. There was A LOT of food on the table which no one touched out of politeness I would say but in hindsight this was a bad idea as I hadn't eaten all day and was now drinking shots of vodka gulped down with Jacques on an empty stomach. Then "The neighbor" came over. He was acquainted with Beatrice but not too well but was still invited to the festivities on the assumption that just because we're Lithuanian means we're definitely all gonna get along perfectly. I also call him the neighbor because despite the fact that he introduced himself to me I only learnt his name after he left on Monday. Either way, he arrived and we started drinking even more. Then Beatrice's aunt came out who's the most badass aunt in the history of the world, drank with us and then read our tarot cards. Even though I thought it was bullshit I persevered and asked the cards a question. The answer was this.

The thing that you want may not be worth fighting for.

There is going to be someone or something in your way.

In the end listen to your heart and not your head when it comes to decision time.

I'm not really sure whether it's accurate or relevant but the last card I guess says it all IMO. Either way, that was probably all I got to do on Saturday (don't remember?) apart from I drunkenly called Liam while throwing up, luckily there was no answer to my desperate drunken calls. LITERALLY WHAT WOULD I HAVE SAID!? Fuck. I can't believe that nearly actually happened. After that I swiftly passed out and was later joined by The Neighbor who left a massive sick present on the floor outside for everyone before going sleep.

Sunday began at 5am. I am not kidding you. To be fair we were passed out cold by like 10 so it was a semi decent amount of sleep. The moment we woke up I realised what I have done, alcohol and drunken phoning wise. The next few hours I sat there trying my best not to throw up and actually eat something, while still drinking wine. By 7am we had music on and the barbecue was fully lit and the festivities began again. I joined in as much as I could but retired to beddies shortly after throwing up from the smell of Beatrice's dog's poop. I slept untill 12 (with everyone joining me for naptimes and going sleep aswell) and then ran home- shoeless because even NOW my shoes are still missing. I showered off the pain from the night before and got changed into non smelly clothes and headed off to Beatrice's again. I figured the only way to proper kill off the hangover is to drink some more. So, by the time I got to Beatrice's everyone was awake again and had gone to the shop to get more food and alcohol supplies. The day was spent somewhat uneventfully despite having a seriously awesome time and watching Beatrice slowly disintegrate into a drunken mess. By the evening she was so bad she couldn't walk anywhere without falling over, couldn't lift a glass/can without pouring it all onto herself, couldn't smoke a cigarette without dropping it, most of the time on herself. The highlight of the night was going to the shops like that, beatrice bra-less and with a mini skirt and a tummy revealing sweater on, not being able to pick anything up without dropping it, and she was dropping it A LOT, and then not actually being able to insert her card into the reader. Either way, this was 9pm and The Neighbour had set off for his night shift. Beatrice then swiftly passed out and got completely naked and then lunged at me when I brought her chicken. After that we decided we should probably get some normal sleep, and were in bed by 11. I stayed online and flirted shamelessly with Dean.

10 things

I know I wasn't meant to do this

I HATE the fact that he keeps popping up on my facebook, but I still like it in a way.

I HATE that my favouritest things are now ruined such as songs, bands, tv shows, films. I can't consume these without thinking of him.

I HATE that it's all up in the air, the not talking thing I can handle- I've pretty much mastered the not talking thing. I just wanna know what's going on.

I HATE the fact I still get upset, that I haven't changed at all despite forcing myself to. How the hell am I FEELING stuff now? I never used to.

I HATE that my best friends aren't even here.

I HATE the dreams my mind forces me to have. Where everything's back to how it was, or he tells me he never wants to see me again. I can't handle them, I can't run away from them either.

I HATE feeling so unwanted, after being in constant relationships for so many years I feel like I've just been thrown into the wilderness with a pack of wolves circling me.

I HATE going over things in my mind a billion times, just searching for something that probably isn't even there.

I HATE that the healing process is taking so long for me, maybe it would be different if I had someone caring by my side. However as well as being absolutely impossible it's also probably the worst thing I could do right now- just jump into a relationship for the sake of having someone to hold at night.

I HATE the fact I've lost one of my best friends.

AMAAAAZIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Taking a week off in order to get over some mass cold was probably the best choice. However, it didn't really work, I mean, the cold was still there. Had to literally force it out of my system by going outside for a change and doing some major shopping. At this rate I won't have any money at all left when Lithuania comes around. Need to work on that. However, SO MANY CLOTHESIES.

Then Dan eventually got his arse round mine for some serious drinking session. And oh, we had so much planned, but did we do any of it? Nope. Just drank and listened to music and tap danced together like absolute idiots. It was incredible. Eventually I made him leave to go to a pub to pre drink so that we were seriously merry on the train to tap. I sorta overdid things with a pitcher of woo woo and shot after shot of jagerbomb. Which is probably my new favourite thing! wooo!

This made me feel incredibly ill at the station, however when we got on the train the spirits were high again, and how could they not be, when we were heading to TAP!

However, a quick check on my facebook made me realise that I had to be in uni the day after at 10am which dampened my spirits, sobered me up (sort of) and made me halt the plans for the night and get off the train at greenhithe, from where I forced dan to get the bus and we were heading back home, not without thoroughly embarassing outselves in front of all the other passengers of course. When we got home we decided that we should probably carry on drinking while watching archer and eating cheesecake. This was definately the highlight of the night, as it made us so unbelievably happy.

Then we had a massive pillow fight in my room (yeah I know how 13 year old girls in pjs of us!) and ended up going to sleep at about the same time we would've anyway had we gone tap. I guess we saved some money though. The day after I was greeted with the mother of all hangovers, quickly fixed by an egg on toast and a delicious pint of water with my hangover cure druggies. A-MAAAAZIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGG.

Then some more sleep, and an impromptu walk around temple hill with Beatrice and her boyfriend and a couple of bottles of wine.

The only thing truly missing from my awesome summer is CATHERINE and unbelievably hot weather.

Oh an a guy to flirt with and drive me around would be nice.

When it's time to party

Wednesday and Thursday were spent hanging over, getting my hair dyed at Beatrice's college (now I have red roots....) and finishing off any outstanding uni work which proved quite difficult since I have seemed to leave it till the very last minute, probably not the best of my ideas but isn't that what all students do anyway? Either way, the teacher recognised all my hard work and I think I am going to get a pretty good grade by the end of it. I also decided that this was absolutely the right time to PARTY HARD again. Now, there are several things to note down before I go on about the events of Friday night.

Several days before, I was facebook stalking some guy called Jimmy and god knows how he got into my friends, either way, there was an extremely fit guy in one of his pictures. And when I say extremely fit, like, I never EVER use that phrase that much. Turns out I am UNBELIEVABLY picky when it comes to attractive men, and therefore only go for absolutely one body/facial type. Either way, he one one of the three guys I've ever met that fitted this category. I HAD to add him, right? It was like, a given to me. Who really gives a fuck if he rejects? Anyway, so I did and we started talking and like turns out we were planning to head to the same place on friday and planned to meet there for nothing in particular (as it turns out he had a girlfriend- BLONDE and SKINNY).

The second thing to note is that Mark, one of my very long time ago not really serious exes contacted me about a week ago saying that he'd be down on friday and wether we'd like to hang out. This made for the perfect person to go to Beatdown with, as far as I remembered he has a similar taste of music to me and there was no chance that he'd want to start flirting with me.

So, after a sleepless Thursday night, I rushed home after my hand in at uni, ate, showered and got generally pretty in like under an hour, my very own personal record I must say. I dashed off back into central London where it was raining like a biatch, and therefore we decided to head to the nearest pub possible, which just turned out to be The Most Expensive Pub in the World. After a brief drink and once the rain had stopped we headed off to leicester square to wetherspoons to get some more pre drinking hours in. Then off to Romford, out of all places in the world, but that's where the partay was held and there was no way I was gonna miss that. Downstairs was pretty much a mini propaganda, where they played horrible indie music, and then I realised that there was an upstairs. Upstairs was dj'd by my friend Stuart who played a very VERY decent set apart from a slight glitch in the middle where mid song it just went to some swing music? And not like even the good kind, I mean, even I couldn't appreciate it. Anyway, we were buying more drinks than we could handle and dancing way closer than we should've. Well, he should've, Mark was trying to grind up against me. Then, about two hours in I was sick of scanning the room constantly looking for this absolutely hot guy and asked Stuart, a mutual friend on facebook, if he knew who I was talking about and he couldn't point him out in the crowd. About an hour or so of dancing and waiting in cues at the bar, I turned to scan the room one more time and I saw two guys pointing at me. ONE OF THEM WAS DEFINITELY HIM. I turned around as quick as I could and started saying "fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck" under my breath, and decided to just ignore it and hope they wouldn't come up to me under the impression that I wasn't actually as good looking as my pictures. Unfortunately, this was not the case. I gave him an awkward hug, melting a little bit.

Now, this behaviour may seem strange to people who don't know me, but I must stress once again how PICKY I am, and he was probably the BEST LOOKING GUY I'VE EVER SEEN. EVER. Dot.

So, after an extremely awkward conversation which I don't remember probably due to my nerves, he went away and I was left to die in shame of what had just happened.

I now wanted to be skinny and blonde.

It may have been the nerves, but I decided to buy 6 shots of apple sours and two doubles, of course shared with Mark, either way, the utter shame sort of went away after downing most of that order. Then, some more ABSOLUTELY ENJOYABLE dancing happened. I was now feeling very aware of the guy in the club, but the drinks sort of relaxed me quite a bit. Enough to go up to him and attempt to pick him up. This made him laugh (quite muscly therefore heavy he hardly got off the ground) and showed me how it's done. I thought fuck it this is probably the only chance to get to be in any way on top of him and I leaped at the chance. So, now I was staddling the hottest guy in the club while he was spinning and Mark was standing by awkwardly. Great success.

The rest of the night is quite possibly not worth mentioning, apparently some famous guy was there? Took bloody ages to get home, especially as I decided it would probably be a good idea to get off the bus in the middle of nowhere. Mark threw up in some bushes which gave him uncontrollable hayfever, I went to a 24 hour shop to buy him some benadryl? And we got on yet another bus. I spent most of the train journey home sleeping and then got a cab up to my house which took 3 minutes and cost me six pounds. Not even joking.

Saturday was spent mainly SLEEPING and then when I woke up at 6pm I decided to text Beatrice, telling her that we should meet up in about an hour to have some of that tequila that she had brought for me from Fuerteventura, however you spell it. We spent the night talking rubbish and making little cocktails on our bench, while her boyfriend smoked ridiculous amounts of weed and laughed at youtube videos. I have no idea what she sees in him.

Sunday was day for photoshoots and relationship conversations and bond making with some guy I hardly knew who modelled for me. Then Steve completely and utterly bailed on me and went off partying without my awesome self. I was very ashamed.

However, this might have been a blessing in disguise as I had planned quite a heavy night on Monday, I was meeting up with my long time crush no more Aaron. We headed to wetherspoons in Dartford where we discussed REALLY heavy topics such as why democracy doesn't work and why America sucks. Getting the train to tap was a lot more of the same, however when we did get there we started discussing lighter issues such as how much we should drink and what other songs of this artists we love. Either way, halfway through the night he dragged me to the dubstep room which made my brain throw up a little bit but we stayed there for quite a bit due to the fact he was enjoying the "choons". Later I swiftly pulled him back downstairs where a more decent repertoire was played, and they even played my request! Which also went down a storm with the crowd which made me look at the DJ really proudly thinking "I bloody told you so" either way, tap was over and after a lot of grinding and make out sessions we hailed a cab home because we were both incredibly drunk- Aaron was passing out and I was talking wubbish with the cab driver who didn't really appreciate it.

Well, now it is Wednesday and I am definately feeling the effects of last week. All the scantily clad outfits have give me the mother of all colds and now I am sitting here NOT BEING ABLE TO SMELL ANYTHING. I made dinner for my rents and they said it was bland, well.... I couldn't really taste it so that sorta explains the bad cooking. I thought it was good?

Also never eat popcorn when you're seriously ill- it's like chewing on a cardboard box.

Back on track

Double hangovers are probably the most evil things known to man. Apart from triple hangovers, which is my next mission. I might die.

Monday started with a dose of Arrested Development, my new obsession show. IT'S SO GOOD, despite it having Michael Cera in it. Thankyou Pawl for the awesome recommendation. Then onto shopping where I bought a super awesome top and yet another plain white vest so I can start makin t-shirts. This may be my calling, all I know is, I'm awesome at it. Then getting picked up by Shteeeeve and making a quick trip to the Lithuanian shop for pre-drink drinks. I got strawberry cider. A-mazing. Then drunking it at mine and a cider fuelled trip to Chatham, where Tap was finally going to be mine. The music was pretty decent, hell, they even played "Power of Love" which made me beyond happy. The interior did throw me a bit, it seemed way too rustic to be a licenced bar. We danced, and sat and chatted outside, met some singapore people and a lot of students, who didn't seem very clevar. Staying untill closing was definately a great idea, they played some seriously good music, despite the fact that an inevitable moshpit started. We had to wait for like an hour for the first train home then, which was spent discussing uni and different essays that we have written. Then onto Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions on the train back and making fun of all the polish people on their way to work.

I awoke at about midday with a light sense of hangover, which was quickly put away by drinking some more of day old cider, and then back into bed untill 8, which is when my sister woke me up and told me that we are leaving to go clubbing in an hour. I quickly got ready again, we downed a shot of Lithuania's finest vodka and got on our way. We met the birthday girl, Clarissa, who enjoyed our "magic" coke on the train. We waited about half an hour at Rochester for Diana, Neringa's work colleague, which is when we got too annoyed and decided to go and buy a bottle of wine from the nearby off licence. This was swiftly drunk, and we were joined by Bruno, another of Neringa's work friends. We headed to the nearest bar, which turned out to be incredibly cool with it's own dj and a range of delicious cocktails. I enjoyed my first jagerbomb, which did hit me quite a bit, and then shared two jugs of cocktails with everyone else. Some other girl joined us and we danced like crazy for about two hours, when we decided it would probably be a good idea to go to the club now. We got some taxis to Passion- Kent's sleaziest club. Things from then on get blurry. I know there were tequila shots, and a lot of dancing, and some really cute tall guy (why didn't I get his number?!) and definately throwing up in the cab on the way home. We put poor Clarissa to bed, with Neringa taking off her clothes and me getting her water. We walked home talking about ridiculous stuff, with both our shoes off for no reason, and then drinking of water and trying to get Neringa to not be hungover where I administered my fool-proof hangover cure on her.

The pictures of last night are incredible. I wish I could upload them though >:(. Now I am sitting here hanging like crazy. Need to probably get dressed at some point. Nakidity is becoming too normal for me.

ego trip

Serenity

Burn the land, and boil the sea

You can't take the sky from meeeeeeeee

Wednesday was a pretty interesting day, spending 4 hours of it getting needles stuck in my stomach, and then the other later half taking pictures and drunking it with Rachael. Nothing too exciting has happened since, apart from me failing to be clothed at all for the past 3 days. I should change that at some point.

Also, I have discovered the true awesomeness that is Firefly. Seriously, how the hell has no one told me that it was GOOD before? Like, I don't even like sci-fi and it just gorram ROCKS. Makes me super pissed off it got cancelled though, sadtimes. I still have Castle. Nathan Fillion is some sort of god.

Memento Mori

Baigiantis pavasariui

Skauda dabar už tai, kad kadais
Leidomės žaisti savo jausmais...

On the last day of spring, I go through the final healing process that I will allow myself. I get his t-shirt from the very recesses of my wardrobe, where I hid it. Last time I got it out I was sick, this time I don't let myself feel anything. I just stuff it in the washing machine. I write a nice note to go with it, it's a sign of moving on, not of hatred and I'd hate for it to be misconstrued. I watch several chick flicks while eating belgian chocolate ice cream until I feel ill from the sugar rush. But my heart, starts to mend. I laugh, my favourite doctor in the emotional matter is Haagen Daz.

The films have such sweet plot lines, cute little things the guy does, the girl constantly has flawlessly disheveled hair. Real life is not like that as far as I know, but maybe it could be. I think of all the times we've spent together, fondly, for the first time in a month. It is a shame that it all had to end, but maybe, just maybe, it'll make way for better things in my life. For better guys, appreciative, attentive and any other positive a's I can conjure up.

I go to sleep, and I tell myself this is the last time that I'm allowed to cry over him this summer. For a while anyway. I then think of all the terrible times, not that there are many of them, or hardly any that didn't happen in the past month. Yes, I've been to such terrible places, but with time, you get used to the horrible feeling in your stomach. Either that or it goes away. A tear runs down my cheek, followed by another, and I fall into an uncertain sleep.

I dream of so many things, so many people. Some I hold closer to my heart than anything, some I've hardly gotten to know. The last person I dream of is him. We talk, about nothing in particular. He hugs me, but I can tell that he'd rather be somewhere else. I urge for my mind to make him say something. A deafening silence falls on everything.

"Do you want me back?"

He doesn't say anything. He never says anything. He stops moving, turns into some Grecian statue, forever cast to stay in one pose, forever silent.

I wake up. It's summer, I can feel it in my veins. I can feel the newness of it all in my body and my mind. I send out the t-shirt. In some ways, I'm so different. I'm so grown up, composed and together. In others, it's all still the same, it hurts. But these things take time, it'll be months, maybe years, I don't care, because I know that I can. I can get back up again.