Leidomės žaisti savo jausmais...
On the last day of spring, I go through the final healing process that I will allow myself. I get his t-shirt from the very recesses of my wardrobe, where I hid it. Last time I got it out I was sick, this time I don't let myself feel anything. I just stuff it in the washing machine. I write a nice note to go with it, it's a sign of moving on, not of hatred and I'd hate for it to be misconstrued. I watch several chick flicks while eating belgian chocolate ice cream until I feel ill from the sugar rush. But my heart, starts to mend. I laugh, my favourite doctor in the emotional matter is Haagen Daz.
The films have such sweet plot lines, cute little things the guy does, the girl constantly has flawlessly disheveled hair. Real life is not like that as far as I know, but maybe it could be. I think of all the times we've spent together, fondly, for the first time in a month. It is a shame that it all had to end, but maybe, just maybe, it'll make way for better things in my life. For better guys, appreciative, attentive and any other positive a's I can conjure up.
I go to sleep, and I tell myself this is the last time that I'm allowed to cry over him this summer. For a while anyway. I then think of all the terrible times, not that there are many of them, or hardly any that didn't happen in the past month. Yes, I've been to such terrible places, but with time, you get used to the horrible feeling in your stomach. Either that or it goes away. A tear runs down my cheek, followed by another, and I fall into an uncertain sleep.
I dream of so many things, so many people. Some I hold closer to my heart than anything, some I've hardly gotten to know. The last person I dream of is him. We talk, about nothing in particular. He hugs me, but I can tell that he'd rather be somewhere else. I urge for my mind to make him say something. A deafening silence falls on everything.
"Do you want me back?"
He doesn't say anything. He never says anything. He stops moving, turns into some Grecian statue, forever cast to stay in one pose, forever silent.
I wake up. It's summer, I can feel it in my veins. I can feel the newness of it all in my body and my mind. I send out the t-shirt. In some ways, I'm so different. I'm so grown up, composed and together. In others, it's all still the same, it hurts. But these things take time, it'll be months, maybe years, I don't care, because I know that I can. I can get back up again.
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