Ho ho ho.

Got brass in pocket

Yet another post I am writing instead of doing my essay like I should be. The funny thing is, I literally keep thinking of hundreds of things all at once that I'd rather be doing than this essay. And I have a very vivid imagination. So, so far this week instead of doing the essay I have:

- Went to Bluewater in a futile attempt to buy presents (I have discovered that everything online is like miles cheaper which leads me onto point two)

- Bought everyone that needs presents online

- Returned a dildo that lovehoney sent (Rachael wanted the g-spot one and they sent the original, the silly billies)

- Got several silver medals in Lips

- Went tanning

- Made dinner every night and then sat around chatting to the family

- Killed off a load of bad guys in Gears of War

- Created an artificial person on Sims and got her married and with a kid on the way and built two houses for her

- Finished watching the whole series of Mad Men so far

- Read all of my old blog posts ever which was NOT a good idea since it depressed me

and god knows what would've happened tonight if Beatrice had been available for tequila which I am craving more than anything in my life right now. I want tequila and orange and lime juice.

TOMORROW I promise I promise I promise I will concentrate on nothing but my essay and will finish it and get a first. YES I WILL. And then after I hand it in I will get ridiculously drunk at Bob's party. I need to get out of this funk.

Summer rushed by, autumn trailing behind

Going from and to what I can only describe as severe bouts of depression, I left the blog be for a while since I didn't want it to be filled with any more emo crap than it already is. University is getting more and more difficult to pass by with just using my friends as models, work overtaking my life and all the friends gone, or the ones that are here refusing to go anywhere with me. That's what I really hate about London, everyone's always busy. You can never just chill out in a massive group unless it was pre-meditated a long time before the event. I don't care what anyone says, uni is a whole different experience to me than it is to anyone else, and I'm pretty sure these will be the worst years of my life. Not counting this summer obviously, which went as quickly as it came and now autumn is trailing behind, with months seeming like years. I'm not even my first month into my 21s, but it seems like I should be halfway through. Oh look I did fill it up with emo crap afterall.

There is one thing to smile about. Luke. A constant sweetie and a completely fresh look at relationships and how two people can possibly be together for extended periods of time. It's something I thought I'd have with someone else, but these things come from the most unexpected places, don't they.

I wish I was a princess instead of a witch

I turn princes into toads with one kiss

:D

All healed and beautiful :D

Mantra

No matter what rom-coms, and girly shows and books and magazines may tell you, this is the truth.

The man of your dreams:

IS NOT extremely good looking

IS NOT everything you ever imagined him to be

IS NOT waiting for you just around the corner

One thing you should always expect him to be is:

SUPER attentive

caring

look at you like you're the only girl in the world

But don't ever make the same mistake as you did, stories only end happily ever after because there's a cut off where they reach their goal, things get tough, things break up for new things to happen. It is very likely he won't stay with you forever. Don't go chasing the one thing that you have always envisioned. Give other people a chance. There's a line between eager and desperate, AND YOU HAVE JUST CROSSED IT. No more chasing, waiting, believing in things that will never ever EVER happen.

And last but not least, don't take anything for granted. Svarbiausia izvelgti stebukla paprastuose dalykuose.

Watch 'em fall

It's been about a month since my last post, and so much has happened since then. I don't really know what to write about but I'll try my best to put things into chronological order rather than jump about from place to place, but I can't promise anything.
Things have changed. Some wise woman in some crazy American show once said that the time it takes to get over someone is the time that it takes you to find someone new. This may not be exactly true, but it definately has something to it. I seem to have found someone to hold onto from the most unlikely place. In fact, he ticks every single box on the list that I have written out when HE dumped me. In fact, he thinks I'm pretty awesome too. He seems to be just the thing I need, maybe right now, maybe forever, I'm not entirely sure. Actually my head is a massive mess.
Well, we properly met at a free house gathering, where we were both relegated to sleep downstairs, and we had some mass chat about so many things, untill the sun came up. It was pretty amazing and I knew straight away I wanted to see him again. After that there were a couple of movie sessions (He's seen Funny Face, and not because I mentioned it nor did we watch it together) and a couple of trips to some restaurants. That is untill I had to leave for Lithuania.
Here, I've been pretty much partying non stop. I love going places with my favourite cousins, so happy that they understand me completely in everything that I do, no matter how crazy I go they're always there to out-crazy me. That's a really awesome feeling to have, when people don't stare at you like you're bloody crazy when you have a miniscule brain meltdown and start doing stupid shit. We went to the seaside, only me and Aiste this time, and had the bestest time. Going to restaurants, watching sunsets, meeting up with the locals. The most memorable night must be when I decided that we should stay up all night so that we don't miss the sunrise. We were armed with a load of booze and two guys to keep us company. The night was spent watching the stars and laughing about anything and everything.
I wish I could still dream on stars, or see them without thinking about Liam, it hurts so much. I can't trust them anymore since they have brought me so much misfortune and so much pain, so much for believing in such things. They're only pretty fleeting moments that could never last, not in this lifetime.
As the sky grew lighter and lighter the stars dissapeared and the whole world started changing colours. From black, to blue, to purple, to pink, to yellow. I can't explain such euphoria. After waiting for hours and being so unbelievably cold, it was finally here. The sunrise. The beautiful, delightful, sunrise. We all jumped about like little kids to the sight, unaware of how awful we looked or how tired we were or anything else for that matter. The soft rays hit everything in sight and coloured it with the most majestic of colours.
I don't think I've seen sunrise before, not like this. It was quite definately the best moment of my new life so far. I hope it's not the only one. After the sun came up we headed home as fast as possible and got into bed, the most comfortable bed and slept untill late afternoon.
Our time by the seaside was cut short by the fact that Aiste was to become a godmother, and we had to head to her village, and I was to document every single moment of the day. We rushed about like crazy buying presents and candles and meeting people and then driving there and doing our make-up and hair. It was crazy, the poor little girl had had no sleep since the morning and was way too tired to be christened, and therefore had a lollipor and a bottle of drink in every picture. Not ideal for a photographer, but apart from that everything went pretty swimmingly. Later that night we all got super drunk with family members and then the next day I returned to Kaunas.
Spending the evening with the local "grungers" was pretty interesting, since it was Monika's birthday. I had to be picked up super early by my parents though since it was sunday and the last bus had already gone by the time we even started drinking. And today has been pretty uneventful.
I'm pretty happy right now, I know there's a lot of things ahead that I am going to be doing, and that's keeping me happy. Today the hurt came back. It's been three fucking months and I'm still in pain. Much less so than before, and It's a lot more rare. I like the fact that I sort of have someone new. I also like the fact that maybe, just maybe, a happy end is waiting for me somewhere.

No matter what happens in the future, remember this.

03/05/2011 7:05

Feeling dejected. I spent all day yesterday with a gut wrenching feeling that something was wrong. That you didn’t want me anymore, I knew that already. I thought it was just a phase, just something you were going through. You didn’t want to “bring me down”. You didn’t share. And now I realised that I was standing on this ledge alone for the past week and a half. That you had already left my side and weren’t even thinking about taking the fall with me. I have another 30 or so hours before I find out what this is about. Your complete cold-heartedness towards me and the situation tells me that it’s something I’ve done. Though I can’t possibly imagine what. I’ve tried to be the perfect girlfriend for you right from the word go. And as far as I’m not perfect, I did try my hardest. My whole heart was in it.

There’s no surprise that it’s broken now. I’ve never before felt this way, I guess it’s cause I’ve never been in love before. And I don’t really want to be ever again. Maybe the people who just marry out of necessity are the cleverest. Maybe love’s too big an emotion to handle for people. Our emotions are far from limited, yet love is the one we can never grab hold of and tame.

I spent the night shivering with two duvets over me, watching the dark room sit still in silence while my mind was whirling around like crazy. It reminded me of the night that you asked me out, and all I wanted was to feel your arms around me again and hush me and kiss my forehead and make everything okay. Then I realised that you didn’t want to do that anymore. You didn’t want to be there for me anymore, despite everything that we have been through, everything that has happened. Nothing is going to be okay.

I never thought this day would come. I watch the room get lighter and lighter until it’s morning, I guess getting up would be a start, but I can’t. I feel so sick, physically, and I’m shaking like a leaf. The morning air hits my whole body and it sends me into even bigger shivers. Everything aches and I know that all I need to do is get through today, and tomorrow, and a couple of days after and things will start getting better. I’m beyond tears, in fact, I’m not sure I cried at all, I don’t think my body would allow me to be so wasteful of liquids when I haven’t drank or eaten in 24 hours. I didn’t sleep either, more go into phases of unconsciousness and consciousness still thinking the same, still feeling that awful feeling in my throat, in my head, in my heart.

Are you feeling just like me? Are you at least crying? Are you at least sorry to let me go after everything? Are you sleeping blissfully in your bed, happy that I’m not by your side, happy that finally I get the whole picture, happy that you know I can’t sleep, or talk, or think?

While there may be a lot of questions ahead, all I know is, you’re not the man I thought you were.

CHICKAAAAAN part 1

Prepare for longest blog entry in the world.

Are you ready?

Cause I sure as fuck am.

Alright so, I don't really remember where I left off or what I've done since so I'll start with the bit I mostly remember from= Saturday.

The morning was spent taking absolutely vain as fuck pictures of myself because MY NEW SHORTS HAVE ARRIVED and FUCK they are AMAAAAZIIIIIING. Really like the shorts just in case you didn't get that. Yeah. This was due to a request from hot crush Dean which is awesome cause it means he thinks I'm bangin. As in hot. Either way, came out awesome (not booby enough apparently- cheeky fuck). Then I waited patiently untill 5pm which is when my invite was to the never ending barbecue. I got there a little after that since a mass detour towards the shops to stock up on alcohol and cigarettes. Either way, the table was perfectly laid, my hostess a little bit drunk already and the chicken was marinated. Pretty much everything you'd want from an awesome barbecue tiem. There was A LOT of food on the table which no one touched out of politeness I would say but in hindsight this was a bad idea as I hadn't eaten all day and was now drinking shots of vodka gulped down with Jacques on an empty stomach. Then "The neighbor" came over. He was acquainted with Beatrice but not too well but was still invited to the festivities on the assumption that just because we're Lithuanian means we're definitely all gonna get along perfectly. I also call him the neighbor because despite the fact that he introduced himself to me I only learnt his name after he left on Monday. Either way, he arrived and we started drinking even more. Then Beatrice's aunt came out who's the most badass aunt in the history of the world, drank with us and then read our tarot cards. Even though I thought it was bullshit I persevered and asked the cards a question. The answer was this.

The thing that you want may not be worth fighting for.

There is going to be someone or something in your way.

In the end listen to your heart and not your head when it comes to decision time.

I'm not really sure whether it's accurate or relevant but the last card I guess says it all IMO. Either way, that was probably all I got to do on Saturday (don't remember?) apart from I drunkenly called Liam while throwing up, luckily there was no answer to my desperate drunken calls. LITERALLY WHAT WOULD I HAVE SAID!? Fuck. I can't believe that nearly actually happened. After that I swiftly passed out and was later joined by The Neighbor who left a massive sick present on the floor outside for everyone before going sleep.

Sunday began at 5am. I am not kidding you. To be fair we were passed out cold by like 10 so it was a semi decent amount of sleep. The moment we woke up I realised what I have done, alcohol and drunken phoning wise. The next few hours I sat there trying my best not to throw up and actually eat something, while still drinking wine. By 7am we had music on and the barbecue was fully lit and the festivities began again. I joined in as much as I could but retired to beddies shortly after throwing up from the smell of Beatrice's dog's poop. I slept untill 12 (with everyone joining me for naptimes and going sleep aswell) and then ran home- shoeless because even NOW my shoes are still missing. I showered off the pain from the night before and got changed into non smelly clothes and headed off to Beatrice's again. I figured the only way to proper kill off the hangover is to drink some more. So, by the time I got to Beatrice's everyone was awake again and had gone to the shop to get more food and alcohol supplies. The day was spent somewhat uneventfully despite having a seriously awesome time and watching Beatrice slowly disintegrate into a drunken mess. By the evening she was so bad she couldn't walk anywhere without falling over, couldn't lift a glass/can without pouring it all onto herself, couldn't smoke a cigarette without dropping it, most of the time on herself. The highlight of the night was going to the shops like that, beatrice bra-less and with a mini skirt and a tummy revealing sweater on, not being able to pick anything up without dropping it, and she was dropping it A LOT, and then not actually being able to insert her card into the reader. Either way, this was 9pm and The Neighbour had set off for his night shift. Beatrice then swiftly passed out and got completely naked and then lunged at me when I brought her chicken. After that we decided we should probably get some normal sleep, and were in bed by 11. I stayed online and flirted shamelessly with Dean.

10 things

I know I wasn't meant to do this

I HATE the fact that he keeps popping up on my facebook, but I still like it in a way.

I HATE that my favouritest things are now ruined such as songs, bands, tv shows, films. I can't consume these without thinking of him.

I HATE that it's all up in the air, the not talking thing I can handle- I've pretty much mastered the not talking thing. I just wanna know what's going on.

I HATE the fact I still get upset, that I haven't changed at all despite forcing myself to. How the hell am I FEELING stuff now? I never used to.

I HATE that my best friends aren't even here.

I HATE the dreams my mind forces me to have. Where everything's back to how it was, or he tells me he never wants to see me again. I can't handle them, I can't run away from them either.

I HATE feeling so unwanted, after being in constant relationships for so many years I feel like I've just been thrown into the wilderness with a pack of wolves circling me.

I HATE going over things in my mind a billion times, just searching for something that probably isn't even there.

I HATE that the healing process is taking so long for me, maybe it would be different if I had someone caring by my side. However as well as being absolutely impossible it's also probably the worst thing I could do right now- just jump into a relationship for the sake of having someone to hold at night.

I HATE the fact I've lost one of my best friends.

AMAAAAZIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Taking a week off in order to get over some mass cold was probably the best choice. However, it didn't really work, I mean, the cold was still there. Had to literally force it out of my system by going outside for a change and doing some major shopping. At this rate I won't have any money at all left when Lithuania comes around. Need to work on that. However, SO MANY CLOTHESIES.

Then Dan eventually got his arse round mine for some serious drinking session. And oh, we had so much planned, but did we do any of it? Nope. Just drank and listened to music and tap danced together like absolute idiots. It was incredible. Eventually I made him leave to go to a pub to pre drink so that we were seriously merry on the train to tap. I sorta overdid things with a pitcher of woo woo and shot after shot of jagerbomb. Which is probably my new favourite thing! wooo!

This made me feel incredibly ill at the station, however when we got on the train the spirits were high again, and how could they not be, when we were heading to TAP!

However, a quick check on my facebook made me realise that I had to be in uni the day after at 10am which dampened my spirits, sobered me up (sort of) and made me halt the plans for the night and get off the train at greenhithe, from where I forced dan to get the bus and we were heading back home, not without thoroughly embarassing outselves in front of all the other passengers of course. When we got home we decided that we should probably carry on drinking while watching archer and eating cheesecake. This was definately the highlight of the night, as it made us so unbelievably happy.

Then we had a massive pillow fight in my room (yeah I know how 13 year old girls in pjs of us!) and ended up going to sleep at about the same time we would've anyway had we gone tap. I guess we saved some money though. The day after I was greeted with the mother of all hangovers, quickly fixed by an egg on toast and a delicious pint of water with my hangover cure druggies. A-MAAAAZIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGG.

Then some more sleep, and an impromptu walk around temple hill with Beatrice and her boyfriend and a couple of bottles of wine.

The only thing truly missing from my awesome summer is CATHERINE and unbelievably hot weather.

Oh an a guy to flirt with and drive me around would be nice.

When it's time to party

Wednesday and Thursday were spent hanging over, getting my hair dyed at Beatrice's college (now I have red roots....) and finishing off any outstanding uni work which proved quite difficult since I have seemed to leave it till the very last minute, probably not the best of my ideas but isn't that what all students do anyway? Either way, the teacher recognised all my hard work and I think I am going to get a pretty good grade by the end of it. I also decided that this was absolutely the right time to PARTY HARD again. Now, there are several things to note down before I go on about the events of Friday night.

Several days before, I was facebook stalking some guy called Jimmy and god knows how he got into my friends, either way, there was an extremely fit guy in one of his pictures. And when I say extremely fit, like, I never EVER use that phrase that much. Turns out I am UNBELIEVABLY picky when it comes to attractive men, and therefore only go for absolutely one body/facial type. Either way, he one one of the three guys I've ever met that fitted this category. I HAD to add him, right? It was like, a given to me. Who really gives a fuck if he rejects? Anyway, so I did and we started talking and like turns out we were planning to head to the same place on friday and planned to meet there for nothing in particular (as it turns out he had a girlfriend- BLONDE and SKINNY).

The second thing to note is that Mark, one of my very long time ago not really serious exes contacted me about a week ago saying that he'd be down on friday and wether we'd like to hang out. This made for the perfect person to go to Beatdown with, as far as I remembered he has a similar taste of music to me and there was no chance that he'd want to start flirting with me.

So, after a sleepless Thursday night, I rushed home after my hand in at uni, ate, showered and got generally pretty in like under an hour, my very own personal record I must say. I dashed off back into central London where it was raining like a biatch, and therefore we decided to head to the nearest pub possible, which just turned out to be The Most Expensive Pub in the World. After a brief drink and once the rain had stopped we headed off to leicester square to wetherspoons to get some more pre drinking hours in. Then off to Romford, out of all places in the world, but that's where the partay was held and there was no way I was gonna miss that. Downstairs was pretty much a mini propaganda, where they played horrible indie music, and then I realised that there was an upstairs. Upstairs was dj'd by my friend Stuart who played a very VERY decent set apart from a slight glitch in the middle where mid song it just went to some swing music? And not like even the good kind, I mean, even I couldn't appreciate it. Anyway, we were buying more drinks than we could handle and dancing way closer than we should've. Well, he should've, Mark was trying to grind up against me. Then, about two hours in I was sick of scanning the room constantly looking for this absolutely hot guy and asked Stuart, a mutual friend on facebook, if he knew who I was talking about and he couldn't point him out in the crowd. About an hour or so of dancing and waiting in cues at the bar, I turned to scan the room one more time and I saw two guys pointing at me. ONE OF THEM WAS DEFINITELY HIM. I turned around as quick as I could and started saying "fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck" under my breath, and decided to just ignore it and hope they wouldn't come up to me under the impression that I wasn't actually as good looking as my pictures. Unfortunately, this was not the case. I gave him an awkward hug, melting a little bit.

Now, this behaviour may seem strange to people who don't know me, but I must stress once again how PICKY I am, and he was probably the BEST LOOKING GUY I'VE EVER SEEN. EVER. Dot.

So, after an extremely awkward conversation which I don't remember probably due to my nerves, he went away and I was left to die in shame of what had just happened.

I now wanted to be skinny and blonde.

It may have been the nerves, but I decided to buy 6 shots of apple sours and two doubles, of course shared with Mark, either way, the utter shame sort of went away after downing most of that order. Then, some more ABSOLUTELY ENJOYABLE dancing happened. I was now feeling very aware of the guy in the club, but the drinks sort of relaxed me quite a bit. Enough to go up to him and attempt to pick him up. This made him laugh (quite muscly therefore heavy he hardly got off the ground) and showed me how it's done. I thought fuck it this is probably the only chance to get to be in any way on top of him and I leaped at the chance. So, now I was staddling the hottest guy in the club while he was spinning and Mark was standing by awkwardly. Great success.

The rest of the night is quite possibly not worth mentioning, apparently some famous guy was there? Took bloody ages to get home, especially as I decided it would probably be a good idea to get off the bus in the middle of nowhere. Mark threw up in some bushes which gave him uncontrollable hayfever, I went to a 24 hour shop to buy him some benadryl? And we got on yet another bus. I spent most of the train journey home sleeping and then got a cab up to my house which took 3 minutes and cost me six pounds. Not even joking.

Saturday was spent mainly SLEEPING and then when I woke up at 6pm I decided to text Beatrice, telling her that we should meet up in about an hour to have some of that tequila that she had brought for me from Fuerteventura, however you spell it. We spent the night talking rubbish and making little cocktails on our bench, while her boyfriend smoked ridiculous amounts of weed and laughed at youtube videos. I have no idea what she sees in him.

Sunday was day for photoshoots and relationship conversations and bond making with some guy I hardly knew who modelled for me. Then Steve completely and utterly bailed on me and went off partying without my awesome self. I was very ashamed.

However, this might have been a blessing in disguise as I had planned quite a heavy night on Monday, I was meeting up with my long time crush no more Aaron. We headed to wetherspoons in Dartford where we discussed REALLY heavy topics such as why democracy doesn't work and why America sucks. Getting the train to tap was a lot more of the same, however when we did get there we started discussing lighter issues such as how much we should drink and what other songs of this artists we love. Either way, halfway through the night he dragged me to the dubstep room which made my brain throw up a little bit but we stayed there for quite a bit due to the fact he was enjoying the "choons". Later I swiftly pulled him back downstairs where a more decent repertoire was played, and they even played my request! Which also went down a storm with the crowd which made me look at the DJ really proudly thinking "I bloody told you so" either way, tap was over and after a lot of grinding and make out sessions we hailed a cab home because we were both incredibly drunk- Aaron was passing out and I was talking wubbish with the cab driver who didn't really appreciate it.

Well, now it is Wednesday and I am definately feeling the effects of last week. All the scantily clad outfits have give me the mother of all colds and now I am sitting here NOT BEING ABLE TO SMELL ANYTHING. I made dinner for my rents and they said it was bland, well.... I couldn't really taste it so that sorta explains the bad cooking. I thought it was good?

Also never eat popcorn when you're seriously ill- it's like chewing on a cardboard box.

Back on track

Double hangovers are probably the most evil things known to man. Apart from triple hangovers, which is my next mission. I might die.

Monday started with a dose of Arrested Development, my new obsession show. IT'S SO GOOD, despite it having Michael Cera in it. Thankyou Pawl for the awesome recommendation. Then onto shopping where I bought a super awesome top and yet another plain white vest so I can start makin t-shirts. This may be my calling, all I know is, I'm awesome at it. Then getting picked up by Shteeeeve and making a quick trip to the Lithuanian shop for pre-drink drinks. I got strawberry cider. A-mazing. Then drunking it at mine and a cider fuelled trip to Chatham, where Tap was finally going to be mine. The music was pretty decent, hell, they even played "Power of Love" which made me beyond happy. The interior did throw me a bit, it seemed way too rustic to be a licenced bar. We danced, and sat and chatted outside, met some singapore people and a lot of students, who didn't seem very clevar. Staying untill closing was definately a great idea, they played some seriously good music, despite the fact that an inevitable moshpit started. We had to wait for like an hour for the first train home then, which was spent discussing uni and different essays that we have written. Then onto Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions on the train back and making fun of all the polish people on their way to work.

I awoke at about midday with a light sense of hangover, which was quickly put away by drinking some more of day old cider, and then back into bed untill 8, which is when my sister woke me up and told me that we are leaving to go clubbing in an hour. I quickly got ready again, we downed a shot of Lithuania's finest vodka and got on our way. We met the birthday girl, Clarissa, who enjoyed our "magic" coke on the train. We waited about half an hour at Rochester for Diana, Neringa's work colleague, which is when we got too annoyed and decided to go and buy a bottle of wine from the nearby off licence. This was swiftly drunk, and we were joined by Bruno, another of Neringa's work friends. We headed to the nearest bar, which turned out to be incredibly cool with it's own dj and a range of delicious cocktails. I enjoyed my first jagerbomb, which did hit me quite a bit, and then shared two jugs of cocktails with everyone else. Some other girl joined us and we danced like crazy for about two hours, when we decided it would probably be a good idea to go to the club now. We got some taxis to Passion- Kent's sleaziest club. Things from then on get blurry. I know there were tequila shots, and a lot of dancing, and some really cute tall guy (why didn't I get his number?!) and definately throwing up in the cab on the way home. We put poor Clarissa to bed, with Neringa taking off her clothes and me getting her water. We walked home talking about ridiculous stuff, with both our shoes off for no reason, and then drinking of water and trying to get Neringa to not be hungover where I administered my fool-proof hangover cure on her.

The pictures of last night are incredible. I wish I could upload them though >:(. Now I am sitting here hanging like crazy. Need to probably get dressed at some point. Nakidity is becoming too normal for me.

ego trip

Serenity

Burn the land, and boil the sea

You can't take the sky from meeeeeeeee

Wednesday was a pretty interesting day, spending 4 hours of it getting needles stuck in my stomach, and then the other later half taking pictures and drunking it with Rachael. Nothing too exciting has happened since, apart from me failing to be clothed at all for the past 3 days. I should change that at some point.

Also, I have discovered the true awesomeness that is Firefly. Seriously, how the hell has no one told me that it was GOOD before? Like, I don't even like sci-fi and it just gorram ROCKS. Makes me super pissed off it got cancelled though, sadtimes. I still have Castle. Nathan Fillion is some sort of god.

Memento Mori

Baigiantis pavasariui

Skauda dabar už tai, kad kadais
Leidomės žaisti savo jausmais...

On the last day of spring, I go through the final healing process that I will allow myself. I get his t-shirt from the very recesses of my wardrobe, where I hid it. Last time I got it out I was sick, this time I don't let myself feel anything. I just stuff it in the washing machine. I write a nice note to go with it, it's a sign of moving on, not of hatred and I'd hate for it to be misconstrued. I watch several chick flicks while eating belgian chocolate ice cream until I feel ill from the sugar rush. But my heart, starts to mend. I laugh, my favourite doctor in the emotional matter is Haagen Daz.

The films have such sweet plot lines, cute little things the guy does, the girl constantly has flawlessly disheveled hair. Real life is not like that as far as I know, but maybe it could be. I think of all the times we've spent together, fondly, for the first time in a month. It is a shame that it all had to end, but maybe, just maybe, it'll make way for better things in my life. For better guys, appreciative, attentive and any other positive a's I can conjure up.

I go to sleep, and I tell myself this is the last time that I'm allowed to cry over him this summer. For a while anyway. I then think of all the terrible times, not that there are many of them, or hardly any that didn't happen in the past month. Yes, I've been to such terrible places, but with time, you get used to the horrible feeling in your stomach. Either that or it goes away. A tear runs down my cheek, followed by another, and I fall into an uncertain sleep.

I dream of so many things, so many people. Some I hold closer to my heart than anything, some I've hardly gotten to know. The last person I dream of is him. We talk, about nothing in particular. He hugs me, but I can tell that he'd rather be somewhere else. I urge for my mind to make him say something. A deafening silence falls on everything.

"Do you want me back?"

He doesn't say anything. He never says anything. He stops moving, turns into some Grecian statue, forever cast to stay in one pose, forever silent.

I wake up. It's summer, I can feel it in my veins. I can feel the newness of it all in my body and my mind. I send out the t-shirt. In some ways, I'm so different. I'm so grown up, composed and together. In others, it's all still the same, it hurts. But these things take time, it'll be months, maybe years, I don't care, because I know that I can. I can get back up again.

Cherry falls

It has been 6 years since I first talked to Paul. Back then he was 20, and I was lying about my age. Somehow we had managed to keep in touch all these years, probably because of his undying sense of humor and ability to make any situation seem absolutely hilarious. Laugh out loud hilarious. The years went and we both got older, he saw me through all of my growing up stages- first kisses, first boyfriends, last days of school, last teenage years, all the while he stayed the same, just older.

It was about a week ago he actually started talking to me for the first time as an adult, a real person. I even managed to get him to pick up his phone (we had always discussed phone conversations but never had them because he was too scared) where we arranged a meeting, something I never thought could possibly happen. This was due to the fact that Paul, despite being absolutely hilarious online, was completely socially inept in reality. He had never even held a girl's hand or hugged a girl before for crying out loud!

So, with a bag full of cosmetics/clothes I headed to Toddington, a tiny little village in Bedfordshire, where I was picked up by a very very very nervous Paul and his friend Phil. Phil was one of Paul's best friends, and our ride/sleep for the night, since I was staying in his flat. We went to the cinema and despite my best efforts ended up seeing Pirates of the Carribean, although I got back for dinner when I forced them both to take me to Frankie & Benny's. The main advantage of going out with men a lot older is that they just kept footing my bill, even in the cinema. And not just that, but kept ordering stuff I didn't even want like side salads and garlic bread and cocktail after cocktail. By then, Paul had gotten a lot less nervous, which might have been due to the fact that Phil was like a bumper keeping the conversation going whenever he shied away and also the amount of cocktails we were all having. I even managed to get him to hug me! And, there, in Frankie & Benny's he lost his hug virginity. We then headed back to the flat where Phil kept growing more and more impatient with the tv while me and Paul discussed random stuff over even more drinks. The night culminated in all of us falling asleep while watching hot fuzz, which is a BRILLIANT film still, I can't believe I forgot how good it was! Either way, I was taken to the station again in the morning and even gave Paul his first, albeit awkward, kiss.

I'm not sure how this has never happened to him. Yes, I guess he is a bit shy but surely some girls find that endearing? More so, he is not even at all bad looking. The more I thought about it, still drunk from the night before, the more I got angrier and angrier. Are girls really that difficult to approach? And if the guy doesn't make the first move, do things never happen for them?

I just hope I made a difference for him to feel more confident in talking to girls, I did try making the process as easy for him as possible. I take it upon myself to get this guy a girlfriend. I will from now on be his best girl mate forward slash dating spirit guide and will teach him all my now useless knowledge on dating.

And now you're filling all the space that surrounds you....

The last few weeks have been somewhat of a rollercoaster. I've been watching star wars with Sluggy, travelling back and forth to Gravesend to parties and also where my only real current friend, Grant, lives, doing many photoshoots and drinking alcohol with Beatrice, while at the same time managing side projects such as designing and attempting to make my own t-shirts, reinventing my look/style, watching as many things that make me happy (the nanny, musicals, other awesome films, how i met your mother, maybe firefly soon!), reading "Northern Lights" and "The photograph as contemporary art", making an innovative dinner for my parents every night AND going to uni at the same time. Busy weekend ahead planned, and that's just the beginning, the real fun begins when Catherine, Rachael, Steve and Dan come back from uni.

I'm just afraid if I stop I won't be able to start again.

Drunkland

Saturday the 14th of May, for some it is yet another spring day, nothing out of the ordinary. However, if you come from a European country, and have quite a high tolerance for bullshit, that day is the day that you spend 5 hours watching the most entertaining show on earth- Eurovision.

With my party plans for the day before ruined, I grabbed an early night in and woke up refreshed, albeit early due to my mum wanting to go shopping with me. I can't complain, whenever we go shopping together she always buys everything for me. However, a trip to Bluewater was something I really didn't need, especially as I saw his best friend there, bringing the daunting thought that he is in Kent straight into the pits of my stomach, making me feel sick. After a couple of playful text messages from my friends I started feeling better, yet still a little bit wary. We had a big lunch at my sister's cafe, I had the broccoli soup and chicken Caesar salad. NOM. Then we shopped for a little bit and returned with my sister back to our house, where full on Eurovision chaos ensued. I was printing out all the participating countries' flags to stick them up as impromptu decorations and also sorting out the drinking game and rules. Before we knew it, first people started arriving, but not without me and my sister getting into our "bad taste" outfits. They were incredibly hillarious. The depressing thing is that I actually started to really like the way I looked the more I got drunk. Anyway, two couples arrived and the eurovision got on the way. We were on the lookout for typical eurovision things to happen, as they were in the rules for the drinking game (Using the word "Love", song name that doesn't make sense, pyrotechnics, gay people, bleached hair and tan) I sat down next to some really nice guy called Nigel who by the end of the night was like my best friend, he was telling me how awesome and clever I was! A lot more people arrived and things started getting blurry. The night culminated with the points drinking game. I got Ireland, which was bad news for my parents, cause they got quite a few points, leaving me to down shot after shot of vodka. Then there was dancing, and drunk talking to my mum about... I don't even remember? There was a random photoshoot in my room and then everyone left to get the last trains home. I stayed up for a bit drunk talking to people online and then went to sleep, content and happy.

What happens in Brighton

With a brand new attitude towards everything and a bank account full of cash, I anxiously headed out to the gay capital of the UK. Being so used to coach journeys, the two hours went by without even me noticing, may be due to the fact that I couldn't stop staring out the window into the awesome rich houses we were passing. I was greeted by the ABSOLUTELY AMAZING VIEW OF THE SEA and a semi drunken Emily with an open bottle of beer in her hand. The spirits were high as we got on the bus to go to their part of the city to attend some barbeque. The mix of the people seemed strange as half of them were proper alternative kids and the other half were on the verge of being chavs, but everyone was drunk and merry and getting along. The night ended in being drunk and watching a bonfire and discussing the meaning of life with some very clever guy called Jimmy and some extremely fit alternative chick, Ali. The funtimes were cut short as it started raining quite heavily out of nowhere and everyone was rushed to bring the sofas back into the house. Everyone seemed quite tired and it was decided to just go back to Emily's and finish up our drinks just chatting in bed. One of their friends was then heavily fraped by Cam who decided to message offensive stuff to everyone with the name Bacon. I spent the night cuddled up to Emily, listening to some seriously country music.

The second morning we all decided to head out and have a nice civilized lunch at Harvester, which was probably the best idea ever. I actually found myself with half an appetite and managed to eat half a burger before feeling sick again. This was obviously washed down with a pint of Bulmers. We then met up with Emily's friend Simon, who has an unnatural obsession with everyone's biceps. I decided to buy myself a little compact camera since I had money and wanted to start recording my Best Summer Ever so that I would never forget it and have the memories to cherish whenever I feel a little bit down. We then bought some wine and cider and headed to the beach for a little afternoon drink, which of course ended in me being absolutely wasted before anyone else even got a chance to feel tipsy. The rain cut the festivities short again and we headed to Emily's to get changed and drink some more in her now world famous bed, then to Simon's where we convinced his extremely good looking roommate, Tom to join us on our crazy night out. I was drunk enough to accidentally buy a 10 pound bottle of wine without even noticing it, and we were now pissed and on our way into town. The club, Audio, was like any good club should ideally be. It had two floors, one in the basement with more upbeat music for dancing, and the upstairs was a sort of posh bar area where the music was turned down so you could actually hear people talking but dancing was still encouraged. Despite an array of cheap drinks, I ordered double soco but really paced myself as I could feel myself getting drunk. The others had no such intention, and were progressively outdrunking me. Tom started talking to a 45 year old woman, and decided to put his and Emily's phone numbers on a paper aeroplane and hand it to her, despite her having kids and a husband. Me and Simon found that we actually knew a lot of the same people from back home and went for a massive bitch to the smoking area. Upon our return, I noticed that the whole place where we were sitting was covered in drinks, which made me slip like a crazy person, stand on my foot funny and make my ankle bone come out. I fell straight into Tom's arms, which would've been incredibly romantic if I wasn't in the worst pain of my life. I then had to sit down for like half an hour with my head down because I was literally going to cry. However, this gave the gang a perfect excuse to buy me drinks and make me forget about the fact that my ankle was now fucked. This is the point where things start getting seriously blurry. It was 4 am and the dancing area was taken full advantage of as we danced around like crazy people for like an hour, untill the barmaid had had enough and refused to serve Emily or Tom. The club was left in a complete rush and we ended up in some strange gay bar way down the road, with the most masculine ladybouncer I've ever seen. I bought myself a red bull while everyone else stocked up on the free condoms they had at the bar. Unluckily for them, the condoms also came with a sachet of lube, this being a gay bar and all. Emily and Tom decided it'd be a great idea to cover each other in lube, which just HAD to go everywhere, and it ended up with them falling off their high chairs together because everything was so lubed up they couldn't hold onto anything. Simon distracted the bouncer for long enough for us not to be thrown out of the bar, and we changed positions, finding some comfortable sofas at the back of the place. I was chatted up by at least three men wearing hula costumes and staring incessantly at my tits. Simon must've been the voice of reason the whole night because he talked them off me without even sparking any confrontation. Emily got on my lap and started kissing me like insane, getting my lipstick ALL over her face. She wasn't as good a kisser as I had previously remembered from like a year ago? Tom, who had now lost his lube buddy fell swifly asleep, with his hand on Emily's ass. The pivoting moment was when Simon spilt his drink all over Tom, possibly purposely and we were out of there. The bouncer was so pissed off I thought she was literally going to strangle Tom. We left in high spirits and headed straight for a kebab shop, and then swiftly grabbing a cab back to Emily's, even though Simon's house had two free beds. Tom and Simon fell asleep straight away, having been relegated to the floor, while me and Emily kept making out like crazy. She got extremely insulted when I actually told her I was going to sleep, however my argument that it was actually light outside had seemed to work, and we fell asleep.

We woke up having found Tom missing, and refusing to answer his phone. Sunday was the day that I was meant to be going home, however this hardly stopped us from going out to the local off license and grabbing ridiculous amounts of cider. By the time I had to leave, we were all ridiculously drunk again, which is probably why Emily convinced me to stay for at least another day. This concluded in a 14 hour drinking marathon in Emily's bed, which had got me to really bond with everyone. We also ordered pizza, and I had found my appetite again. Emily invited her lesbian friend over, who looked slightly like a koala bear. All three of us slept in her bed, which was uncomfortable and annoying as the two of them were giggling like crazy until like 8am.

Monday I decided that staying another night would probably be a terrible idea and decided to set off, refusing to drink my unopened bottle of lambrini because I knew if I started drinking again I would never ever leave. Simon was lovely enough to take me back into town and helped me find the coach station. Emily wasn't feeling so great, therefore she stayed behind in bed. I swiftly fell asleep on the coach with a happy feeling in my throat. It seems like I've been cured, at least for now.

This is the summer I am never going to forget.
I'm making sure of it.