No matter what happens in the future, remember this.

03/05/2011 7:05

Feeling dejected. I spent all day yesterday with a gut wrenching feeling that something was wrong. That you didn’t want me anymore, I knew that already. I thought it was just a phase, just something you were going through. You didn’t want to “bring me down”. You didn’t share. And now I realised that I was standing on this ledge alone for the past week and a half. That you had already left my side and weren’t even thinking about taking the fall with me. I have another 30 or so hours before I find out what this is about. Your complete cold-heartedness towards me and the situation tells me that it’s something I’ve done. Though I can’t possibly imagine what. I’ve tried to be the perfect girlfriend for you right from the word go. And as far as I’m not perfect, I did try my hardest. My whole heart was in it.

There’s no surprise that it’s broken now. I’ve never before felt this way, I guess it’s cause I’ve never been in love before. And I don’t really want to be ever again. Maybe the people who just marry out of necessity are the cleverest. Maybe love’s too big an emotion to handle for people. Our emotions are far from limited, yet love is the one we can never grab hold of and tame.

I spent the night shivering with two duvets over me, watching the dark room sit still in silence while my mind was whirling around like crazy. It reminded me of the night that you asked me out, and all I wanted was to feel your arms around me again and hush me and kiss my forehead and make everything okay. Then I realised that you didn’t want to do that anymore. You didn’t want to be there for me anymore, despite everything that we have been through, everything that has happened. Nothing is going to be okay.

I never thought this day would come. I watch the room get lighter and lighter until it’s morning, I guess getting up would be a start, but I can’t. I feel so sick, physically, and I’m shaking like a leaf. The morning air hits my whole body and it sends me into even bigger shivers. Everything aches and I know that all I need to do is get through today, and tomorrow, and a couple of days after and things will start getting better. I’m beyond tears, in fact, I’m not sure I cried at all, I don’t think my body would allow me to be so wasteful of liquids when I haven’t drank or eaten in 24 hours. I didn’t sleep either, more go into phases of unconsciousness and consciousness still thinking the same, still feeling that awful feeling in my throat, in my head, in my heart.

Are you feeling just like me? Are you at least crying? Are you at least sorry to let me go after everything? Are you sleeping blissfully in your bed, happy that I’m not by your side, happy that finally I get the whole picture, happy that you know I can’t sleep, or talk, or think?

While there may be a lot of questions ahead, all I know is, you’re not the man I thought you were.